Cappuccinos & Crime
Photo credit: Adobe Stock (edited)
As Tom walked into the coffee shop that the “Villains Only” dating app suggested, he spotted the hammer-striking-the-globe symbol of the International Villains League by the door. The front waiting area was small, cramped, and as uninviting as possible. Tom knew this helped to keep the civilians away. The IVL would also seed Yelp and Google Maps with terrible reviews to make sure no one that wasn’t in the league would show up.
When he got to the back of the restaurant, the RFID chip in his pocket allowed for a door to slide open and let him into the actual establishment. The real café had spacious skylights and the perfect ambiance for clandestine assemblies. Large plants and deep booths obscured most sightlines and there were tables tucked into various nooks around the restaurant to maintain the privacy of discussions. It was run and maintained by the league for all levels of meetings.
All the servers and staff in the restaurant were members of the league who were on some sort of probation. Usually, it had to do with their dues or paperwork being out of sorts. This allowed for high operational security, but terrible customer service.
He stood at the hostess desk by the sign that said, “Please Wait to be Seated.”
His hands were a little clammy, and his mouth was dry. He didn’t think this date could go as poorly as the last one, but he would never tempt the universe by saying that out loud. He tried to use his fingers to tame his messy curly hair in the mirror while he waited. He had brushed it before he left home, but as usual, it was a hopeless cause.
An exasperated server wearing black slacks and a bright t-shirt with the IVL logo and a devil horns headband practically yelled at him, “Just sit down. Nobody cares.”
He thought, “All right.” And sat at a table where he could see the door.
A minute later, she came in through the secret entrance. She was wearing a light sundress that fluttered in the breeze. She had flowing hair that fell in loose curls, and when she removed her sunglasses, he could see her dark, intelligent eyes scan the room and lock onto him.
He stood up to meet her and extended his hand. “Fiery Ice, you look just like your profile picture.”
She shook and said, “So do you, Cypselus. That’s refreshing.”
He chuckled. “I know, right. Who knew a dating app filled with criminals would also be filled with liars.”
She smiled. “Are we going with league names or real names tonight?”
“Just call me Tom.”
She nodded. “Maggie.”
When they sat down, a waitress sulked over to the table. Her nametag read “Morana.”
“Slavic for death,” Tom thought. “Charming.”
She huffed. “So, what do you want?”
Maggie gave an is this girl serious look to Tom and then said, “I’ll just have a cappuccino.”
The waitress scribbled on her notepad and then turned to Tom. “You?”
He sat up straight and said, “Earl Grey. Hot!”
She rolled her eyes so hard Tom was worried she was going to hurt herself. As she turned away, she said, “Whatever, Captain Kirk.”
“Actually, it’s Captain Picard who…”
“Seriously, nobody cares. I’ll get your stupid tea.”
When the server had disappeared into the kitchen, Maggie said, “I thought it was funny. That’s my go-to tea order as well, but I wanted a little bit more caffeine today. I’ve got a busy schedule later. By the way, I appreciate that you even went for the accent.”
“Thank you. It’s good to be appreciated.”
After an awkward silence, she said, “I guess you didn’t lie about your geekiness on your profile.”
His cheeks flushed.
She continued. “This is actually my first time meeting someone off the app. How about you?”
He laughed. “Sorry. Not the first time. This is my second date, but the first one did not go well.” He leaned into the word not.
The waitress returned with their cups. The foam of the cappuccino was a jumbled mess and there were ice cubes in his tea. She put the cups down roughly so some spilled onto the table. Then she turned and left without a word.
Maggie smirked. “Service with a smile.”
He took a sip of the tepid tea. “It’s not bad. It’s not good, but I really don’t want to call her back over here.”
“Fair. So, tell me about this other date. You’ve got me curious.”
He cleared his throat. “Well, the last villainess that I met was a puppy kicker.”
“A WHAT?”
“She was a self-proclaimed puppy kicker.”
“There is no way. That’s just.”
“I know. That’s what I said, but then she went on with this whole spiel about the nature of evil and how true freedom was about allowing yourself to give in to your darkest desires.”
Maggie shook her head. “Sure, but if your desires include kicking puppies, I just gotta say, you are a bad person.”
“For sure.”
“There is a line between villainy and evil, and kicking puppies or punching kittens are both on the wrong side of that line.”
Tom said, “We just didn’t see eye to eye on those matters, so it was a pretty short date.”
“I would hope.”
Tom asked, “So what is your flavor of villainy?” He closed his eyes and crossed his fingers. “Please don’t say puppy kicking. Please don’t say puppy kicking.”
Maggie laughed. “No. I am a classically trained arsonist and a jewel thief.”
“Classically trained?”
“I spent three years under the mentorship of Marie DuPont in Paris.”
“La Femme Pyromane? That’s awesome.”
“You’ve heard of her?”
“Of course. Her work in Toulouse is legendary.”
“Yes, it is. She knew more about fire than I thought possible. She treated it like a living, breathing part of her family. I learned so much about the fine control of burns. I can easily say that I would not be the arsonist I am today without her guidance.”
“That sounds amazing. Why did you leave?”
“I’m from here. I completed training to become a journeywoman, and then I spent a year in Antwerp learning about grading precious stones and came home to start my own practice.”
“That’s fascinating.” He snapped his fingers. “Oh. And I just got the Fiery Ice thing. Arson and diamonds.”
She shrugged. “I know it’s a little on the nose, but I was young when I picked it.”
He said, “I get it. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend and all that. I saw Moulin Rouge.”
They both laughed.
She composed herself. “So, what type of villainy are you into? I really hope you don’t say kitten punching, because that’s going to ruin the whole thing we have going here.”
“No. I’m just a small-time arms dealer. I mostly do niche tech stuff. But my passion is in my work as the president of my local homeowner’s association.”
She leaned back. “Ooh. I’ve heard that HOA work is wild.”
“It’s amazing. I honestly don’t know if I would have gotten into the full league without it. I might have wound up in the henchman’s guild or something.”
“Eww.”
“Exactly. But during the application process, they interviewed the people of my community, and I got so many amazing letters of condemnation that I got into the League on the first ballot.”
Maggie said, “Impressive. So, what’s it like?”
Tom leaned back in his chair and wistfully looked to the ceiling. “There is nothing like the look on a person’s face when you hand them a fine for something they can’t control but is technically against some arbitrary bylaw.”
She whistled low. “Brutal. We need more people like you in the league. And now I understand your name. Cypselus, like the Corinthian tyrant.”
Tom smiled. “Not many people know that reference. Well done.”
She bowed her head. “Thank you. Tell me more about it.”
“Sometimes, I’ll take a tape measure and a clipboard and just stroll around. Periodically, I stop and pull out the tape, pretending to measure various aspects of their lawn or whatever. Then I jot notes and try to look furious.” He screwed up his face in a mask of fury and pantomimed scribbling notes on an invisible clipboard.
She laughed. “What do they do?”
“I can see them peeking from behind their curtains. Whispering to each other in speculation of what I might be measuring and what defenses might be available to them.”
She continued to chuckle. “That’s great.”
He shook his head and put down his imaginary clipboard. “I know it seems chaotic and a little bit mean-spirited, but it makes me happy.”
She put her hand on his. “It sounds lovely.”
He looked down at her hand with well-manicured fingernails that were perfectly painted, resting on his hand, and said, “It’s fun. Maybe you could join me sometime.”
She was silent.
He didn’t dare look up.
Finally, Maggie said, “I would like that. I can bring my own clipboard and laser range finder.”
He grinned.
She continued, “Also, I have high-visibility vests and hard hats. Are the hard hats too much?”
He finally looked up and met her gaze. “No, they would be perfect.”
In the silent moment, as they quietly measured each other, Morana, the disgruntled waitress, appeared at the side of the table.
“So, are you done, or what?”
They were yanked out of the moment.
She said, “I’m good. Thank you.”
Tom said, “I’ve certainly had enough of this tea.”
Morana said, “Fine.”
“We booked this through the IVL dating app.” Maggie held up her phone. “I was under the impression that we could pay there.”
“Yup.”
Maggie said, “I think we’ll just do that.”
Morana turned away and said, “Whatever.”
When she was two steps away from the table, she spun and put on a fake, painful smile and said, “Be sure to rate us one star. It helps keep local villainous businesses tourist-free.”
Then, with a thumbs up, she turned and disappeared.
Maggie shook her head. “What an odd child.”
“So, what’s next? Do you want to go for a walk or something?”
She looked at her watch. “I’ve got a little time. Let’s continue our conversation somewhere a little bit nicer.”
He stood and offered his hand. “I know just the place. Let’s go.”
An hour later, they were walking through the park asking questions about each other’s lives while finishing ice cream cones they had bought from a man with a pushcart.
The warm afternoon air gave way to evening breezes as the sun began to dip behind the tree line.
She took a bite from the edge of her waffle cone. “OK. I have one for you. Have you ever had a nemesis?”
He almost choked on the Pecan Praline ice cream. “No way. As a technology and arms dealer, I deal with everybody on every side. I don’t think anyone is out to get me there.”
“What about in the HOA?”
He nodded. “There might be some candidates there. But no one has really challenged me for my position. I spread the fines and the chaos around enough that I don’t think anyone thinks it’s personal. What about you?”
“I sort of have one. There is this new hero called Themis who has been hounding me for the past couple of months.
“Themis? She named herself after the Greek Goddess of justice. That’s a little pretentious.”
“Her real name is Gretchen Gibson and…”
“Wait. Gretchen Gibson. My height? Blonde hair always in an impossibly tight bun?”
“That’s the one. Do you know her?”
“Sort of. She’s from my neighborhood and has always been a pain about everything. I had no idea she was a hero.”
Maggie shrugged. “She’s sort of a B-tier hero, but I get the feeling she thinks catching someone from the league will get her into the Fellowship.”
“That’s the worst. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had friends who were in the Fellowship of Heroes.”
“So have I. We’re all professionals here.”
“Exactly, but those people trying to make the big takedown to get in are never cool about it.”
Maggie said, “She’s almost caught me a couple of times. It’s like she has something out for me in particular. Honestly, I don’t know what to do about her.”
Tom stroked his chin. “Well, I’m fairly sure her gardenia planter box is out of spec. Both the distance from the street and the overall area have seemed off for a while.” A wicked grin spread across his face. “When we make the rounds next week, we’ll be sure to give her a thick stack of fines.”
She smiled. “That sounds like a good time. Speaking of time.” She looked down at her watch. “Oh shoot. I’m running late for my thing. I should really go soon.”
“You never said what that thing was. The advantage of hanging out with someone from the league is that we don’t have to be as mysterious about what we’re doing. Is it a shiny heist or a more illuminating situation?”
She nodded. “I’m picking something up.”
“That’s way cooler than writing fines.”
“I’m a little nervous about this one. I know they just got a big shipment of jewels, so there is something shiny and something extra for me. The only problem is that they just installed a new security system in anticipation of this delivery. I saw the work van yesterday when I was scoping the place. So, I figure it is 50-50 if I have to scrub the mission.
“What place are we talking about? If you don’t mind me asking?”
“It’s Sparkle Sanctuary.”
“Wait a second. That’s Gretchen’s place. She’s a sponsor of the monthly newsletter, and she always acts like it makes her a big deal. It’s kind of bold going after the hero that’s tracking you.”
“She confiscated my thermal optics headset that I had to leave behind the last time we tangled. I think it’s also there, and I want to get my stuff back. And maybe leave a fiery payback message while I’m there. But like I said, a new alarm system that looked extensive was put in by A’s Alarms.”
He barked a quick laugh.
She said, “What?”
“A’s Alarms is run by a guy named Tony. He’s a great guy. Even a friend. And I hate to speak ill of someone in the trade, but he is lazy. He never does secondary shielding on anything.”
“Really?”
He nodded. “Really.”
She took the final bite of her cone and chewed. “If that’s the case, I could probably knock the whole thing down with a microburst EMP. Those can be tough to get.”
Tom smiled. “If only you knew an arms dealer with a case of them in his garage.”
“Could you do that?”
“If you are going to help me out with my HOA duties, it seems only fair that I help with yours. As long as you don’t mind hanging out a little longer.”
She said, “I would love that. And if everything goes well, dinner is on me afterwards. And then who knows what the night will hold.”
He said, “My place is a couple of blocks from here. I have a cape and a cowl. I never use them, but I have them.”
She patted her bag. “I’ve got mine right here.”
“Let’s grab the EMP and suit up.”
They crouched on the roof of the Sparkle Sanctuary. She was in a stunning blue outfit covered with flames. His cape was dark and covered with images of gears and equations.
Maggie looked at a computer tied into the security system and said, “I’m in. Everything is green.”
Tom smirked. “Not for long.” He clicked off the safety and pulled up the small plunger on his EMP.
Maggie smiled back. “Blow it.”
“Three, Two, One.” He pressed the plunger and there was a subsonic vibration that they could feel rather than hear.
Maggie said, “It worked. Let’s do this.”
They slid into the grate and found their way to the manager’s office.
On Gretchen’s desk, next to her nameplate, was a pair of goggles with crushed lenses.
Maggie snatched the broken gear and growled, “No. She’s going to pay for this.”
Tom opened a heavy leather pouch that was on the other side of the desk and whistled. “This will probably cover it.”
She glanced at the bag. “It’s a start.”
She pulled a cylinder the size of a coffee can out of her bag. “She’s definitely going to pay.”
He asked, “What’s that?”
She handed it to him. “I call it the parting gift.”
Tom inspected the device. “Is this a multistage incendiary device?"
She nodded.
“This is so elegant. Where’d you get it?”
She smiled. “It’s my own design.”
He handed it back. “Brilliant.”
She shrugged. “I only use it for special occasions. I think today qualifies.”
She set it on Gretchen’s desk.
Tom said, “I don’t have your training in assessing jewels, but these look expensive to me.” He tossed her the bag.
She reached into the pouch and grabbed a handful of the diamonds. She let them stream through her fingers as they clattered back in like hail.
She grinned. “Perfect.”
A voice from the door said, “Perfect to complete my application to the fellowship.”
They spun towards the sound of the voice. Gretchen stood holding a disrupter rifle. It was non-lethal, but one shot would make it so that you couldn’t spell your name or tie your shoes for at least an hour.
Maggie growled, “Themis.”
Tom asked, “But how?”
Gretchen said, “I installed a backup after I saw the slipshod job that fool Tony did. Fiery Ice. You’ve crossed me for the last time. Now you’ll pay.”
Tom stood silently with his hands in the air.
Gretchen turned to him, keeping the disruptor pointed at Maggie. “Who’s this? Did you bring your little henchman along? Maybe I can get a two-for-one on my Fellowship application?”
Tom stammered, “Actually, I’m not a henchman. I’m in the league.”
“Even better.” She leaned close to Tom, trying to see beyond his cowl. “You look familiar.”
He looked down. “One of those faces.”
She stepped back. “Whatever. By this time tomorrow, I will finally have what I deserve. Say goodnight, Fiery Ice.”
In the next moment two things happened at the exact same time. Gretchen pulled the trigger on her disruptor and Maggie threw a handful of diamonds at the end of the rifle. The pulse of energy and the diamonds met in the middle with a spectacular crash of noise and display of light as the disruptor particles were deflected, reflected and refracted in every direction.
The air was heavy with the scent of ozone, and little fragments of diamond coated every surface.
Tom blinked. “What just happened?”
Gretchen was standing wide eyed and slack, with her rifle loose at her side.
Maggie said, “I threw the diamonds on instinct. Somehow the shot reflected and took her out. We’re lucky neither one of us got hit.”
Tom patted himself down and then sniffed the air. “Do you smell smoke?”
Maggie looked around and her eyes locked on the parting gift on Gretchen’s desk. “Oh, no. It’s triggered. We gotta get out of here.”
They started for the door. Tom said, “You don’t have to tell me twice.”
She looked back. “Themis. Let’s go.”
Gretchen stood still and her rifle clattered to the ground.
“Gretchen. We need to move.”
She remained stuck in place.
The smoking package smoldered and the desktop caught fire.
Maggie sighed, “We can’t leave her. Help me.”
They rushed to her, each going under an arm and dragging her through the exit. They crossed the street and set her down on the bench of a bus stop.
Maggie patted her on the cheek. “Sorry about this, but you shouldn’t have broken my favorite goggles.”
Tom put on a fake, deep voice. “It’s a shame we had to meet, for the first time, like this.”
With that, they turned and walked away.
When they were around the corner, they stripped their cowls and capes.
By the time they were a block away, the Sparkle Sanctuary was consumed in flames. A tower of smoke rose from the inferno while the peace of the night was interrupted by the sirens of approaching firetrucks.
Tom said, “Well, that was interesting.”
Maggie nodded. “Agreed. What’s next?”
He said, “All that treachery sure worked up an appetite.”
She held out her hand and said, “I know just the place. Dinner’s on me.” She shook the pouch. “I threw most of the diamonds, but not all of them.”
Tom took her hand and, as they walked away, he said, “Maggie, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful and lucrative friendship.”
Editor’s Note
Here’s a lesson in not knowing what you want until you see it. I did not expect to publish a fantasy romantic comedy at Brown Hound Press. Now, to be fair, Ronald Coleman described his story “Cappuccinos & Crime” as a quirky rom-com, and it is certainly that. I instantly loved the concept of a “Villains Only” dating app, and the characters drew me right in. Great backstories and banter. Aspiring comedy writers take note: this is how you incorporate light-hearted humor and character development into a story that keeps pages turning. I’d watch this TV show!
Josh Boldt, Editor
Story Track
This was a week where the Story Track came to me easily while I was reading. The quirky lyrics and catchy beat of “Girlfriend is Better” by Talking Heads fits with Ronald Coleman’s story. And, besides, Tom should be humming this song because he’s clearly hit the jackpot with his date, Maggie the jewel thief. Here’s hoping they “never get caught.”